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Rants >> Rant 229

:: Today's Soundtrack: Devo "Whip It" ::


Despite the fact that I have done something similar before, this was too good to pass up. Once again, I've received something "interesting" in my e-mail In Box. Have a peek at this subject line:

Holy crap is it Outdoor Masturbation Week already?! The time sure does fly by... If anyone out there was treated to their weird neighbour jerkin' the gerkin on the front lawn, there's why, I guess. Unless, of course, your weird neighbour is squeezing one off while sitting in a lawn chair every week, then you're on your own about that business. Maybe this e-mail is here to tell me WHY I should masturbate outdoors this week, as though there are some unknown health benefits to choking the chicken in the out of doors setting as opposed to my lavatory, you know, like a normal person. Maybe this is a part of that crazy hippy movement which  attempts to coordinate everyone on the planet into experiencing a simultaneous orgasm in a misguided venture to world peace (yes, this is for real. The most recent schedule for this event was December 22, 2007, 06:08 GMT). Actually, that can't be it because I got the e-mail AFTER the event. Hm. Naturally, when I got this e-mail I sort of stared at it for a bit, you know, AFTER laughing for a good while, and then I just had to open it. Unfortunately, the gooey insides of this e-mail was nothing more than old fashioned incomprehension, like all of them. So now that I am curious about it, I may never know why I ought to be masturbating outdoors this week. I could, um, try it, I suppose, but I'm going to be realistic and say, no, no I most definitely will not be trying that. Come on, you're talking to a guy who is hesitant to take his shirt off in public, never mind whipping out the junk. Well, Angel Cassandra, whomever you are, good job on your deception and getting me to open your obviously spam e-mail. I know the spambots of doom pretty much just randomly generate words for their subject lines and all, but if more of them had outcomes as bizarre as this, then maybe... well, I'd have a boatload more viruses in my hard drive, I expect. I'm easily intrigued.

So, now that I've thoroughly made you either cringe or giggle, or possibly both, I think I've got all of our New Years off to a grand start.

William (no one gets away)

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