Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: 45 Grave "Party Time" ::
There's a game that my mates and I like to play sometimes when we're out. We'll be in a restaurant or something, and there'll be the inevitable lull in the conversation, and someone will say, "So, zombie invasion?" When Zombie Invasion is initiated by one of us, the rest start to take in the surroundings; the layout of the establishment, the other patrons, the wait staff, etc. Then we present our theories of what would happen if the place we were in at that moment were suddenly besieged by the zombie hordes. That table of old people? Dead. There's a lower-middle aged man sitting in the back with a couple of kids. Depending on his panic response, he and maybe one of his kids survive, tops. The guy who took our order seems young and pretty fit. He'd make it. I know it sounds pretty odd, but it's fun and it passes the time. The thing is, every time we play this game, the zombies who attack are always the Romero slow moving, low coordination, mild learning comprehension skills, with no means of verbal communication kind. As we all know by now, there are three main zombie types (read Rant 65, suckas) so what if we were attacked by, oh say the Return sort which can speak relatively normally, run, know how to formulate plans and traps, can use fairly complex devices, and know how to use their numbers to their advantage? If the zombie apocalypse were to occur, this kind of zombie would definitely prove to be a challenge because simply by being able to speak in full sentences, how is one to even know they're faced with a zombie in the first place?
This is why I'm presenting to you, the zombie-ignorant masses, a guide to tell-tale signs you're dealing with a Return-type zombie and not an actual living person.
Okay, the zombie apocalypse has happened and you're dealing with it. You've successfully barricaded yourself into a house, but then, a knock at the door. Someone is outside asking for help. Could be legitimate, or it could be a scheme by those clever undead fiends to get you to open your door. First of all, analyze the speech pattern. Did they seem to talk a bit slower than someone hysterical normally would? Was their any sort of halting or any unusual pauses? Were there long gaps in between each word? Did they tend to drag out any "S" sounds unnaturally long? Did the voice sound like the person had quite a lot of fluid in their lungs? Any of these traits would tell you right off that you're in fact dealing with a tricky brain-eater rather than someone who is really in trouble.
Now then, let's say you're on the street scavenging for supplies. On the other side of the road you see someone. Is it a person you can ally yourself with, or a hungry beast on the prowl? Even one of these fairly intelligent Return zombies know that if they have been dead a long time, their startling appearance will give them away. The longer they have been dead, the more obvious they look. RE: no lips and baring their bloodstained teeth, possibly no nose, skin takes on the appearance of leather and a grey or tannish colour, chunks of hair missing, the irises in their eyes have turned milky and all but disappeared, and you can see the obvious bits of decay eating away at them. However, if someone is recently dead, say for an hour or two, it will be more difficult to tell, as these conspicuous traits have yet to manifest. So, if you come across a stranger when out in the open, be on the look out for these attributes: Coordination seems slightly off balance; any joints appear sharply bent for an excess of time (re: head tilted, one or both arms bent at the elbow in the "praying mantis" position for no reason, fingers bent in a claw-like fashion); walking with a limp or leg drag but not showing any signs of pain; has severe open wounds that are not actively bleeding; complexion looks pasty or exceedingly pale with dark circles about the eyes; any exposed bone or viscera which hasn't even been attempted to be repaired, set back in place, or bandaged and again, no whimpers of pain; flies circling them; splotches which look like bruises on their skin (re: livor mortis, eg: morbid lividity).
So, what have we learned? That if someone is pleading for help and they sound like "OhMyGodPleaseYou'veGOTToHelpMe!" they're probably alive and safe to assist, but if they sound "Open... door... help... me...." it's most likely a trick and you should get an axe. If you see someone on the street with rosy cheeks, a spring in their step and no apparent wounds, they're most likely safe to approach, but if they look pale with purple splotches on one side and they have an obvious broken ulna but don't seem too concerned, you might want to keep your distance and figure a way out. Also, be on the look out for the more straightforward giveaways like wounds that couldn't be anything but bite marks and a tendency to insert the word "brains" into any attempted conversation, and you just might survive this end of the world for another week.
William (braaaaaiiiinnzzzzzzzzzzzz)
