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Rants >> Rant 299

::Today's soundtrack: The Cure "Hello, I Love You" ::


I know I have talked about people naming their children weird shit before (waaaay back in Rant 52, true believers!), but I feel I need to address a more specific angle on this "problem."

I have recently found out that a new family moved into my town. They have a 17 year old daughter and her name is (honest to god) "Unique." At hearing this, I had to cover my face with my hand and moan in agony for this girl. Apparently, her parents didn't read the memo about NOT NAMING YOUR DAUGHTER LIKE YOU WANT HER TO BE A STRIPPER. I understand that the parents wanted her to have something different to stand out and heck, nothing says "different" like "Unique," right? But seriously, a name like that is just begging for guys to shove dollar bills down her pants.

So, it seems some parents still haven't seen the "Not naming my daughter like she's a stripper" memo, so allow me to review some of the more important guidelines on the types of names to avoid. First: Never end their name with the letter "I". NEVER. Second: Names that start with the letter "L" are risky, and the risk goes up exponentially with every additional "L" in the name. Third: Naming your little girl after something you read on a bottle (such as perfume, shampoo, or (heaven help you) some sort of alcoholic beverage) is right out as not only stripper-like but also white-trashy. Fourth: This should go without saying, but then most of these ought to, don't give your daughter a name you're pretty sure  someone starring in porno film has got. And lastly: Don't name your daughter "Candy" (or the much, much more horrifyingly worse "Kandi"). JUST DON'T DO IT.

Having reminded you all of these general rules, I expect the following names to never be found on a birth certificate ever again: Asia, Brandy, Charisma, Desiree, Eternity, Euphoria, Fantasy, Fantasia, Ferrari, Fierce, Finesse, Holli, Jameson, Juli, Kelli, Lexington, Lara, Lola, Lolita, Lorelei, Madison, Nautica, Nikki, Onyx, Savannah, Sierra, Tawny, Teri, Traci, Vicki, to name just a few. Also, and this wasn't covered in any of the aforementioned guidelines, but I would like to mention that it would make me insanely happy if no one ever named their baby girl "Mckayla" or "Mackayla" or whatever for the rest of time.

I can understand the allure of giving you daughter an exotic sounding name, truly, I can. But in this day and age where every new mom has got to be different, may I suggest going retro? Why not bring back old timey names like Sally, Sarah, Maria, Virginia, or Elizabeth? When every newborn girl is named something like "Deshawn" or "Trinity", you may not have to think outside the box to be Unique (ooooh, you see what I did there, with the play on words? gods I'm so clever sometimes...).

William the Bloody (pole dancer)

PS- A cool game you can play based on today's rant: Porn Star or Perfume or Both! See how many you can get right!